I feel helpless right now.
My best friend is having relationship problems. I found out this evening that my grandmother has six months to live. I just had my first panic attack since February or March, and the person responsible doesn’t have the slightest clue what she did to me.
It feels like I can’t do anything about any of these things. All I can do is keep on trying to write and trying to exist and trying to help out where I can. I can’t fix anything that’s worth fixing. Heck, I don’t think I even know how to fix a broken toilet. But you can Google “How do I fix a toilet?” or call a plumber. Who do you call when someone is dying? You can’t Google “How do I cure late-stage, terminal cancer?”
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’m not saying I’m hopeless. I refuse to believe (or allow it to be) that I’m having another depressive episode. I’m just saying that farting around, doodling stupid shit and pretending to cope, doesn’t feel like it’s enough any more. I’ve got to figure out how to be an adult soon, but I don’t know how I’m going to manage it when I feel like I can’t even be a decent friend or child.
I just don’t know.
